Forever Fabulous

Happy Labor Day, Fabulana!!!

2010-09-06T16:50:00.001-07:00

Reunited, And It Feels So Good

2009-09-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

Last month I had the extreme pleasure of a mini reunion with Melody and Gregg when I was in Austin. Things didn't work out that the three of us could all be together at the same time, but it's even nicer that I didn't have to share!

I have to say that I think all three of us look so much hotter in 2009 than we did in 2006 (and we were pretty hot back then!)

Bring it on, Dick

2009-01-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

Dick in a Box ...er... Chair

2009-01-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

They say Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony. Heh.

Yuletide

2008-12-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

We don't usually decorate outside our place, but the hideous plastic wreath next door inspired me and this is what I've done:

Good Yule everyone!

Hockey Moms for Obama

2008-10-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Finally, a candidate we can ALL support

2008-09-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

Big Boys Before & After

2008-08-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post a Before & After of Joe and I. Between the two of us, we've managed to lose the combined weight of both Olsen Twins, Amy Winehouse and Rita Moreno.

Two Years Ago

Today

New Meds n' Playlists Darlings

2008-08-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

So anyhoo, darlings, I started my new meds today - stronger, higher, faster, that's my motto!

(pats wig with Olympian elan)

Oh but I've been dizzy, darling - right off my feet. They said to expect it, but I always assume they lie, so it came as a surprise to me.

(smiles in that good surprised way I have sometimes - sort of like Doris Day in the opening of her rotten tv show 40 years ago, only drunker and about a zillion times less *tanned*)

In any event, I've staggered to my computer here - you know how I am - I can't let my public go unaccosted for too many days in a row - and I've been listening to music. Oh just soothing old things - just junk and fabulous relics - all the best things everybody hates, but secretly loves. And here's what I've got on repeat on mediaplay as we speak, sweeties:

1. Bound By The Beauty - Jane Sibbery (I met her once in a disco in Fredericton - she was utterly artistic and dismissive - just how I hoped and dreamed)
2. My Heart Goes Bang - Dead Or Alive (the original single length version - the extended version would kill me in my present state - get me to the doctor, indeed)
3. Indian Summer - Dream Academy (oh I love this song, darlings - it takes me back to Shediac in the 80's - the warm and safe, pre-debauched times of my mid-teens - it brings tears to my eyes)
4. Tell Me Lies - Fleetwood Mac (I always thought Christine McVie was their best pop writer - and Stevie and what's his name - well - it's just fabulous - and the song means things to me - memories of troubled but enthusiastic times)
5. Walls Come Tumbling Down - Style Council (well after the last two, the tempo has to pick up, darlings - and this song conveys just how I felt in my university days - of course I've jaded and tired, but it brings me back to those fabulous activist days)
6. Cool Places - Sparks & Jane Weidlin (of the Go-Go's, darlings - this was *the* song of my summer when I was 18 - legal age at the time - disco every bloody night - fabulous!)
7. Bad Reputation - Joan Jett (god, darlings - I just new this song was written for *me* the second I first heard it back in 1982 - rock on, Joan, darling)
8. Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But The Rent - Gwen Guthrie (LOL - when the money ran out at the end of first year university, this was my theme song - thank god for friends who kept me from just outright prostitution! Oh but I still managed to keep up the level of fun - I'm LCM after all. LOL!)
9. Never Tear Us Apart - INXS (sigh - the first song I ever waltzed to with someone I felt I was in love with and they loved me - it actually lasted 6 months and now I can't even remember his last name - isn't that typical. Tsk.)
10. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles (time, time, time - see what's become of me - I always thought this was a hell of a lot better than the Simon And Garfunkel original - but I wish they'd included the line about vodka and lime)

Anyway, Darlings - That's The LCM Soundtrack For August 15, 2008
LCM

Top 10 Signs Your Country Is Not Going To An Olympic Gold Medal

2008-08-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

So anyhoo, darlings, I've been watching more of the Olympics from distant China, sweeties, and I just adore it - all the fabulous new buildings, it's just astounding. On the other hand, Canada has get to win a medal - I mean apart the gold one I was telling friends and co-workers about yesterday which I was awarded for NICENESS - they scoffed, I tore in to them - hilarity ensued.

In keeping with the national tradition though, I thought I'd try a top 10.

Top 10 Signs Your Country Is Not Going To Win A Gold Medal At These Olympics

10. Your best track and field athlete has a wet, hacking cough.
9. The women's gymnastic team are too busy pole dancing for the Russian men's gymnastics team.
8. Your marathon runners keep stopping for smoke breaks.
7. The equestrian team keeps yelling "Hi-ho Silver, Away!"
6. Your "fencing" team is just a bunch of burglars.
5. The men's syncronized diving team consists of one man with a sock puppet - worn in the rudest possible way.
4. The men's beach volley ball team insists on wearing waterwings - "just in case"
3. Your best boxer keeps screaming "He's hitting me!!! Stop him!!!"
2. The head coach keeps offering athletes hits off his joint.
1. They elected Stephen bloody Harper as Prime Minister!!!

Sending Love, Looking Fabulous
LCM

RIP Isaac Hayes, Darlings

2008-08-11T14:27:00.001-07:00

LCM: (sitting in corner booth, pouring cocktails) Oh darlings - come and sit with me - I just heard the news about poor Isaac Hayes, sweeties.

(patting wig, sighing heavily)

Oh I know, darlings, everybody says "Oh no, no more salty chocolate balls" or what have you, but to me he meant something very different.

(gazing off, remembering)

It was 1996, sweeties - I found a group on Usenet - alt.showbiz.gossip - and it was so wonderous - it was the most marvelous, awful, fabulous place I'd ever seen. And of course I fit right in. As did our beloved Princess who followed me by, I think, three months.

(smiling through tears)

Those early days were magical. What fun we had - laughing, bitching, being so awful and clever and free. I think for many of us it was like finding someplace that felt like "home" in a new and strange setting that none of us truly understood.

(sipping drink)

And early in my times there I adopted the Theme From Shaft as my anthem - the primitive disco beat - the (at the time) vague obscureness of it all - it fit my new persona as "LCM" so perfectly.

(patting wig)

And little did I know at the time of all his works - Isaac Hayes - he was a gifted individual - his work with Stax - his producing - his writing - his singing - he was very influential and many who came after him went on to much more lucrative times.

(nodding knowingly)

I hear he had some bad times. And I'm sorry for that. But he survived. Oh I hear he went to the strange fake religion, but I prefer not to focus on that. I'd rather just sit and listen to that one song that inspired me so many years ago.

(puts money in juke box)

And so...

(noticed he accidentally picked Brenda Lee first and she's not dead yet, so kicks juke box onto second pick, The Theme From Shaft)

And so...

(raises glass)

...here's to a talented man who inspired, darlings. I'll always remember.

Toasting To Talent
LCM

R.I.P.

2008-08-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

LCM's entrance wouldn't be the same without this.

Olympic Thoughts Avec LCM

2008-08-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

LCM: (pouring smart cocktail and noticing) Oh hello, darlings - you've just caught me at the
best possible time, sweeties.

(smiling, patting mid-century modernist couch he found in the gutter one time)

Come have a seat with me - I'm going to talk about the current (using quotey fingers)
"things."

(lighting a glamorous du Maurier, exhaling with thoughtfulness)

So anyhoo.

(gazes off blankly for a moment, then seems to collect thoughts)

I've been at home a bit lately, darlings - a bit more than usual, I'm afraid.

(getting an icy look)

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding between the insane, wholly unjust and utterly
corrupt legal system and myself, I find myself a political prisoner in my own home.

(pulls up leg of silver Vivienne Westwood catsuit to display ankle doohickey)

I'm to remain here for two or three weeks.

(pausing)

Or months.

(annoyed)

I forget which - but my oldest living friend Emily is having a smashing cocktail party the end
of next week so that's when this is coming off as far as I'm concerned.

(nods to nearby mime holding chainsaw)

Marcel and I have our plans, you see.

(smiling and turning to his highly personalized laptop computer marked Property of the City
Of Newark)

So I've been dredging the very depths of the information highways, darlings - you know how
I am - my thirst for knowledge and such.

(pauses, looks at screen showing illicit sexyness)

Ugh - more unconvincing amateurs. I mean to say, darlings - how can an amateur be
unconvincing? It's the easiest thing possible - it's like not being able to pull off being
carbon-based convincingly.

(frowns, brow arched)

It's more sociological proof of a new category of people, darling - people too stupid to live,
that's what.

(closes that window)

Anyhoo, in my quest for wisdom, the first thing I've learned is that you can only look at so
much pornography, darlings - after five or six hours you just want to crawl into a volcano - it's
so soul deadening.

(pats wig)

And when did that happen, darlings? In my day the pornography was fun and cheerful - now
it's all serious and awful. People kiss! I mean god - if I wanted to see that, I'd have just let
them throw me in jail.

(lights another glamorous du Maurier and surfs to the CBC.ca page)

Here's what I've been spending a lot of my time looking at, sweeties. Did you know there's
an Olympics on right now? In China.

(nods smartly)

At first I thought it was just a very expensive Japanese whiskey ad, but then the people
didn't look quite right, and there wasn't any booze or Hollywood has-beens.

(nods more smartly)

And when there isn't any booze or has-beens, darlings, it's just *not* a Japanese whiskey
ad.

(pats wig, clicks and clicks)

So let's see what's showing. Oh fabulous - it's women's gymnastics. I adore it.

(glances and sees - smokes and drinks - answers the odd call on his flip phone, which
invariably ends with him telling someone off and hanging up - then turns and frowns)

Well if this is the Olympics, darlings, I'm thinking all the top teens queens must have been
killed in some horrible plane crash, because the talent level just isn't up to snuff.

(clicks to Google video)

Look here, darling - THIS is women's gymnastics.

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=5371468610869486427&ei=vPqeSO3dHKXI-wHX
yNgS&q=nadia+comaneci&hl=en

Nadia Comaneci was terrific - the original 10, if you will. She won about a billion gold medals
and they named a country after her - I forget which one, exactly - possibly Chad - even
though that's a boy's name.

(nods knowingly)

And let's not foget that soap opera song - Nadia's Theme - how many of us singles spent
night after heartbroken night in the 1970's, listening to it, drunk and sobbing after having
been tossed aside like used Tampax by one cad or another? Hmmmm?

(frowns)

I can't imagine I'll ever celebrate my used-up and destroyed status listening to songs about
these girls.

(waves vaguely at screen)

You know what I find most changed, darlings - is the floor exercise. I mean, Nadia's was just
perfection - so bright and energetic - it actually *looked* like a dance - not some errant track
and field effort gone gay. Here - I'll show you what I mean...

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=3719117575130114221&ei=nPueSIDEFqbg-gG1t
ewe&q=shawn+johnson&vt=lf&hl=en

This is Shawn Johnson, she's from America. And as of this afternoon she was leading in the
individual gymnists category. Now she's pretty damned good here - just a slight hop on one
landing, but otherwise it looks like it turned out how she probably intended.

(patting wig, sipping cocktail)

But that's where the problem resides, darlings. I mean, gymnists these days - well the poor
girls don't look like they're enjoying it at all. The floor exercise used to be more artistic -
you'd actually try to dance TO your song. Now they just tip, tap, tap a few steps, get to a
corner, grimmace, take a huge breath and brace themselves, then charge like crazy across
the mat with all the enthusiasm of someone leaping from a burning building. It's just NO
damned fun.

(sighing heavily)

Oh heavy sigh, sweeties. It's not like art anymore - oh the jumps might be higher and the
flips and turns might be more numerous - but it's not better - it's just *more.* The entire
exercise has all the depth and elegance of a smash and grab. I find that rather sad, darlings.

(pouring drinks)

Oh but the men's swimming is coming up - that will give us a boost, sweeties.

(brow arched, nodding)

You know, you can tell a lot about a person by their spandex speedo, darlings - it's entirely
edifying and it fits perfectly with my new thirst for knowledge.

(smiling grandly, passing drinks)

Let's have a few and try to guess which ones are circumcized, hmmm? Fabulous!

Having Cocktails And Being A Real Sports Enthusiast
LCM

Dog Days Dirty Dozen

2008-08-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, it took me forever to figure out how to print my shuffle.

1. My Baby Janis Joplin
2. I Wish I Didn't Love You So k.d. lang
3. I'm Alway True To You In My Fashion Ella Fitzgerald
4. Nobody's Lonesome For Me Hank Williams
5. Sly Fox Nas
6. In A Sentimental Mood Dr. John
7. Money (That's What I Want) The Beatles
8. Corazon Espinado Santana
9. Me And Mrs. Jones Michael Bublé
10. Musicology Prince
11. Time After Time (Acoustic) Cyndi Lauper with Sarah McLachlan
12. Johnny Was Bob Marley & The Wailers

It's iTunes Shuffle Dirty Dozen time!

2008-05-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

Style - The Lemonheads
Lucky Star -Madonna
Take Your Time - Pebbles
In The Great Unknown - Mary Fahl
Believe - The Chemical Brothers
Oh, Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison
Jack-Ass - Beck
Club Megamix - Anastacia
Peron's Latest Flame - Madonna/Mandy Patinkin/cast - Evita motion picture soundtrack
And Finally... - M People
All I Have To Give - Backstreet Boys
Gone Too Soon - Michael Jackson

Good news, bad news

2008-05-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Good News (unless you believe an artist who claims they'll never tour again should live up to that promise): Billboard.com reports that Tina Turner is headed out on a tour starting October 1st.

Bad (Ugly) News: living train wreck Lindsay Lohan is signed up for six episodes of Ugly Betty, starting with this year's season finale. Ew. I sense a shark-jumping may be near.

California Soul -- LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

2008-04-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Here's everything Wikipedia has to say about this song:

"California Soul" is a pop-soul tune written by Ashford & Simpson, issued originally as a single by American pop quintet The Fifth Dimension in 1969. It was also covered by Motown vocal duo Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell that same year and was the duo's last single together when released in early 1970.

Both the Fifth Dimension's version and the Gaye/Terrell version were modest charted hits. The original performed better reaching number twenty-five on the pop singles chart, while Marvin and Tammi's cover reached number fifty-six pop but never charted R&B. The duet was released after Terrell's tragic death from a brain tumor in March of 1970.

The song was a socially conscious-type of song advocating love and peace.

In 1969 Bluenote singer Marlena Shaw also did a version of the song which is now featured in a Dockers commercial circa 2008.

(There's no actual video on this clip. Someone just posted the recording with the song title and artist.)

Andrew Lloyd Webber on Idol

2008-04-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I enjoyed the guest mentor. I loved the bit in the taped segment when he said about Brooke's singing of "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie, "I don't think that girl had a clue what she was singing about." He seemed down to earth and had some constructive advice for the contestants.

It wouldn't make me sit through Phantom again, though...

I have to vote Tuesday

2008-04-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Does anyone want to enlighten me as to whether I should vote for Clinton or Obama?

Posh Spice smells like the Pink Taco

2008-04-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

The Beckhams are at it again. According to today's Telegraph:

David Beckham employed some strong-arm tactics with the paparazzi at wife Victoria’s birthday lunch.

The footballer elbowed photographers out of his path as he made his way through the throng in Los Angeles yesterday.

Always one to confound her critics, Victoria, aka Posh Spice, chose to hold the family gathering at the Pink Taco, a cheap and cheerful Mexican restaurant.

Okay, I can see Becks throwing an elbow into a photographer's face -- it's what he's there for, after all, when he's not busy donating genetic material or punting a small black and white ball around on a field. And I can see Posh deciding to mix it up by throwing a party at a local taqueria -- slumming it can be quite fun at times (I remember an office bash that wound up in a dive bar somewhere on the north side of Chicago. Won a couple games of pool against my manager, I did).

But -- the Pink Taco? Really? Really? Unless the owners are a pair of Sonoran lesbians, someone has some 'splaining to do.

How could they take THIS off the air???

2008-04-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Idol Gives Back a ratings downer

2008-04-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'll guess that, since American Idol scheduled a separate show for last night to throw out the latest loser, many people didn't feel the need to watch Idol Gives Back on Wednesday. This year's show had 17.8 million viewers, well below last year's 27 million. I wonder if fewer donations were made as well (it's hard to tell with the figures being thrown about since there are also corporate donations).

You may remember that, after going through the whole show saying someone was being sent home, Ryan Seacrest told Jordin Sparks that she was the lowest vote-getter, then turned around and said that no one was leaving after all. Last night Ryan announced that Michael Johns got the fewest votes and followed up with: ''Now, last year during Idol Gives Back, we didn't eliminate anybody at this stage of the competition. Tonight...we're going to say goodbye to Michael Johns." That was just cruel. However, if they went through that whole hour last night, separating it from Idol Gives Back, and then not thrown him out, I guarantee that would've been the jump-the-shark moment for Idol.

"Talents" of "stars" to remain secret

2008-04-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

CBS has yanked "Secret Talents of the Stars" after one airing. Only 4.8 million viewers were curious enough to check out George Takei singing country and Clint Black doing standup comedy. I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you.

Speaking of 80's videos

2008-04-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have to confess something. Many, many years ago, when I was but an innocent college student, I tuned into MTV one night and saw the video for Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me."

Yes, it's lame yet oddly catchy. Yes, Rockwell wore boxer shorts in the shower. Yes, it never would've gone anywhere if Michael Jackson hadn't been talked into crooning the chorus, "I always feel like -- somebody's waaaaaaaatching meeeeee!" But that's not what haunts me.

What haunts me is, who the hell played the zombie mailman?

Because for a zombie mailman, he was pretty damn hot. I never thought necrophilia would interest me, but in this case I'd make an exception.

A new Dark Knight trailer -- amazing!

2008-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

I know you'll be enthralled by it. Check it out here.

Finally!

2008-04-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Snurched from Poppy Z. Brite's Livejournal -- thanks, Doc!

Line of the Week

2008-04-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

From Datalounge:

"Exactly how much did you lie on your resumé, on a scale of One to Hillary Clinton?"

iPod Shuffle Game

2008-04-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

Time for another exciting iPod Shuffle Game. Just because I feel like it. Here are the first 12 songs that come up in shuffle mode. Yeah, I picked 12 instead of 10. I felt like it.

1) Naked Eye - Deborah Harry
2) Job Application - Meryn Cadell
3) You're So Vain - The Feeling
4) Challenger - American Music Club
5) Sun On The Water (Demo) - Kirsty MacColl
6) Where Are You Now - Trisha Yearwood
7) Keep It Together - Madonna
8) Music - Joss Stone
9) Never Did No Wanderin' - The Folksmen
10) The Glory of Jah (London Version) - Sinead O'Connor
11) Three County Highway (Live) - Indigo Girls
12) The Big Sky - Mr. Lawrence

The Doctor Is In

2008-04-05T18:31:00.001-07:00

Doctor Who's 4th (or is it 30th) season debuted tonight in Britain. I'm very happy the show is back, as I've been a huge fan since way back in high school. I was kind of let down by this year's Christmas special (or would that be last year's? Well, the 2007 Christmas special), so, in my opinion, the show had nowhere to go but up. And while I hate to say I didn't love PARTNERS IN CRIME, I'm happy to say I didn't hate it, either. It was definitely better than VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED, but still had lots of room for improvement. I think what bothered me the most is the plot was too campy. "The Fat Just Walks Away." Really? But that being said, it was so nice to have Donna back. She's going to be a handful this season. And although I thought I was fully versed in spoilers for this season, they managed to sneak in a sucker punch just before the end of the episode. LOVED IT! Overall, I think I would rate this episode a 3 out of 5. I have high hopes for the season. I hope they're met.

Mom charged in her twin sons/gay porn stars' burglaries

2008-04-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

There's a new development in the case of the twin brothers charged in a number of burglaries via rooftop break-in, but are just as notorious for their gay porn films. Now the boys' mother has been charged in the cases, since she acted as lookout. Towana Goffney faces the same charges (burglary, conspiracy and related charges) as her sons Keyontyli and Taleon. The Philadelphia Daily News reports that Keyontyli implicated his mother in interviews with police, leading to their warrant for her arrest.

They also dropped in a bit from their previous interview with Keyontyli that didn't appear in the prior article -- I bet you didn't know that newspapers occasionally have deleted scenes just like movies and TV shows. ;-)

"She's a good mom," he said. "She tried to keep us always together. She had us very young. Even when people worked against us, she worked for us.
"She loved us and wanted to do good for us."
Keyontyli said that he told his mother when he was 21 that he was gay, and later informed her that he worked in Internet pornography.
"She had to be OK with it," he said. "I wanted her trust. I wanted us to be closer and I wanted for her to love me for all of me, not just the person I tried to pretend to be."

And that's why they got involved in burglary together, and why he later snitched on her?

It's official: New Kids reunite!

2008-04-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

What does this say about the state of the music industry? That the eighties are back? That they think pop music from aging men is viable? George Michael is touring (and charging anywhere from $48 to $253 for his Philadelphia show), and soon he'll be joined by the New Kids on the Block, who are reuniting for a new album to be released this summer. A limited fall tour is planned. Aren't they too old to be called "Kids" now? And referring to them as NKOTB just never made sense.

My new favorite video

2008-04-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Buddha:

Please bring me a pony, a plastic rocket and the guy with the tats in this video.

Thank you.

Spring in Bisbee

2008-04-02T19:09:00.001-07:00

Today is not April Fool's Day!

2008-04-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

According to my 2008 Simpsons wall calendar, today is Halloween. Brilliant!

When Roller Derby and Knitting Collide

2008-03-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, but this is just damn cool. My friend's daughter Toni Carr, also known as Joan of Dark #5 when she's skating with the Naptown Roller Girls, has just sold her first book, Knockdown Knits: 30 Projects from the Roller Derby Track.

With its rowdy atmosphere, fast-paced jams, and heart-stopping pile-ups, roller derby is the fastest growing sport in the nation. This book will feature 30 hip designs by the Naptown Roller Girls of Indianapolis, who are aggressive skaters and avid knitters. Projects include an on-the-move felted skate bag, Dill and Brownie's beer saver, and an arm sling. Other fun, derby-inspired patterns will appeal to innovative knitters searching for truly unique patterns as well as derby girls and their legions of fans.

Ooh, a customized arm sling and a beer saver -- I know what I'm making my publisher for Hannukah!

Video Flashback Double Play

2008-03-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

The other day I saw a documentary on Logo about the Pet Shop Boys. After it was over I tuned into VH1 Classic and their video for the fabulous "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" (with Dusty Springfield) came on just seconds later! Coincidence? Well, yes...

And here's "Domino Dancing." Someone interviewed on the documentary said that this was the beginning of the end of their record-selling success in the USA because of the video's homoerotic subtext...

Oh, Floridians?

2008-03-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

You might want to consider moving north sometime soon. If nothing else, evacuate Disneyworld. I say this because I love.

A piece of Antarctic ice measuring 220 square miles has collapsed, and an ice shelf about the size of Connecticut is "hanging by a thread" because of global warming, the British Antarctic Survey said today. "We are in for a lot more events like this," one professor said.

Is George Michael this popular?

2008-03-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that George Michael is planning his first tour of the U.S. and Canada in 17 years. He's more famous now for trolling for sex in men's rooms than having hit records, yet not only is he playing arenas (and not as an opening act for an artist that has actually had hits recently), but for one show that's already listed on Ticketmaster the price range is from $50 to $175! Are people really going to pay for this? Am I missing something?

Tasteless Jeopardy!

2008-03-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

"I'll take 'Career Going Down The Drain' for $500, Alex."
"For $500, the answer is...'Drillbit Taylor.'"
"What is one of the reasons Owen Wilson tried to kill himself?"

Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

To request removal of this picture, e-mail the poster.

Saturday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

While at work yesterday, Dash bonded with Razzle Dazzle.

To request removal of this picture, please contact the poster.

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

Happiness is just a thing called Dash...

Today we adopted our boy. It was love at first sighthound.

To request removal of this image, please contact the poster.

Update on the gay porn star/burglar twins

2008-03-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

One of the two twin brothers who have done gay porn together and are alleged to have committed a string of burglaries via rooftop break-ins has spoken out. Keyontyli Goffney told the Philadephia Daily News that his twin brother Taleon was the mastermind behind the burglaries and that he was merely the lookout. Interestingly, the twins' mother has also been accused of being a lookout, though she has not been charged.

Keyontyli tells how he got into the porn business:

After graduating from Edgewood Regional High School in Winslow Township in 2000, Keyontyli, then 19, said a recruiter approached him at a club in Philadelphia.

When the scout found out he had a twin, the two were flown to Atlanta to talk about a gig, he said.

But once they got there, they found out the "gig" was gay pornography, he said.

"We were laughing. We thought they were promising us modeling but they said that would come next," Keyontyli said. "That's how they pull in a lot of kids these days. We were already there and we thought 'How will we get home?' "

Xavier McDonald of BlackMen.net, the Internet site that posted some of their online videos, said that was unlikely.

"We go through sort of a checklist with guys because we're not going to buy a plane ticket and set up a shoot without everyone's understanding," McDonald said.

While Keyontyli is openly gay, he said his brother is straight.

But McDonald classified Taleon as bisexual, noting that he was surprised when he saw an Internet video of Taleon performing as the receptive partner during intercourse with another man.

"The next time we had conversations with him and shot him he sort of said to us he really didn't want his brother to know about that because he thought his brother would try to hook him up with guys," he said.

Both men had a hard time appearing in gay porn films together, and with other men, Keyontyli said.

"We laughed the whole time. They would give us stuff, like Viagra, to keep us hard," he said. "You'd get nervous so we'd drink a bit.

"I kind of felt, well, you didn't feel too good about yourself," he said.

He also believes that police don't have any "solid evidence" against him, and that they have a grudge against his brother due to previous escapes.

If what he says is true, it's kind of sad. Keyontyli got out of the porn business and got some legit modeling work. Apparently a criminal record is more of a deterrent to prospective models than porn.

Not-so-stupid girl?

2008-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Girls Gone Wild is holding off on their release of the videos of ex-Gov. Spitzer's hooker. Turns out she may have been 17 when they were filmed. They can't sell DVD's of an underage girl.

What's Broadway got to do with Idol?

2008-03-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

On tonight's American Idol, which narrowed the field to the top ten, the guest mentors for this season were announced. They are Dolly Parton, Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond and...Andrew Lloyd Webber. Because his music is all over Top 40 radio, obviously.

Stupid girl!

2008-03-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is the happy hooker in the case of the former governor of New York, Elliot Spitzer. Alas, she's not very bright.

She was offered $1 million to pose nude in the soon-to-debut Girls Gone Wild magazine, a spin-off of the infamous DVD series. She turned them down.

Turns out, back in 2003 she spent a week with a Girls Gone Wild film crew in Miami. They found the old footage, and soon it will be for sale. Needless to say, the company withdrew its million-dollar offer.

I think the lesson for today is, you should never look a gift whore in the mouth. Or something like that. I'm not all that bright myself.

Saturday & Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

We had a home visit from the adoption agency yesterday, throwing my whole schedule off. Here's some pretty flowers.

To request removal of this picture, contact my lawyer.

Ask Uncle Robbie

2008-03-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

I AM A 20-YEAR-OLD GAY MALE. I've been out since I was 15, but I don't go around with a "fag flag" nailed to my chest and I'm not attracted to guys who are femme. Most guys who are “straight-acting” are actually straight. I've found guys in their 30s who are gay and “straight-acting,” so why can't I meet someone in his 20s who's the same?
-- Helpless & Hopeless

Dear Helpless,

Remember, not everyone has had the time you’ve had to come to grips with who they really are. Uncle Robbie remembers his 20s as if they were yesterday (no smirking). Fresh out of the closet and looking for direction, your dear Uncle experimented with many different forms of expression, including both “butch” and “femme” behavior before settling down again. Without knowing where you’ve encountered these little flamers, Uncle Robbie can’t make alternative suggestions, but instead of decrying the scarcity of butch 20-somethings, why don’t you consider dating those butch 30-somethings you seem to be surrounded by? It may not be as bad as you think.

=Uncle Robbie

Have a burning sensation? Ask your doctor. Have a burning question? Ask Uncle Robbie.

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

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Avenue Q/Fiddler on the Roof Mashup

2008-03-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Muppets, L'Chaim and Goys -- oy vey!

Time to Party!!

2008-03-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dr. Chuy's brother finally got his driver's license!!

Square Pegs on DVD!

2008-03-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

This is great news! It's been a long time coming. May 20th is the day.

Another Video Flashback

2008-03-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

"Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry...my main reason for sharing this is that Wikipedia has this fun fact(?) about the song:

It inspired a unique "dance" on the television show Dance Party USA; dancers would stand absolutely still for the duration of the song.

Finally, a dance I'm good at!

Pretty Pictures

2008-03-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend's lack of Pretty Pictures is brought to you by inertia (followed by a lot of recovery projects from the flood we had last weekend). To make up for it, here's a lovely pic worth three of the usual crap I post (and perfect for desktop wallpaper).

To request removal of an image, please contact me.

When Mimes Attack!--A Picture Story

2008-03-08T13:22:00.001-08:00

The campus of Great Sucking Udders was recently afflicted with an invasion of mimes. Here's the evidence. It's your job to write captions for each photo, in sequence, that tie this story together in the most fabulous possible way. If we could poll on this thing, I'd let you all vote on a winner, but I guess I'll have to leave that honor to my own glittery self. Have at it.

American Idol Lap Dance Music

2008-03-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

TMZ reported on their TV show that these are the songs that contestant David Hernandez stripped to at Dick's Cabaret in Phoenix:

Sexyback-Justin Timberlake
Boogie Wonderland-Earth, Wind and Fire
Shake That-Eminem feat. Nate Dogg
Never Too Much-Luther Vandross
Pictures of You-The Cure
Glamorous-Fergie
Temperature-Sean Paul
About Us-Brooke Hogan feat. Paul Wall
The Distance-Cake
Love Rollercoaster-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Smooth Criminal-Alien Ant Farm
Iris-The Goo Goo Dolls
Sweetness-Jimmy Eat World
I'm In Luv (Wit A Stripper)-T-Pain

That last one seems like a natural, doesn't it?

David Archuleta's laugh

2008-03-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

Does he really sound like this?

Someone seems to think so...

What's wrong with this paragraph?

2008-03-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

From Entertainment Weekly's website:

American Idol contestant David Hernandez has finally broken his silence on press reports that he performed nude, reportedly for a "mostly male" clientele, at a Phoenix, Arizona, strip club called Dick's Cabaret. "You know, honestly, I'm here to sing," Hernandez told EW.com at the Idol Top 12 party in West Hollywood on March 6. The singer appeared cool-headed and relaxed, despite the controversy. "I think America's judging us all off of our voices right now. Obviously they were, because I'm still in the Top 12, thank God. So I'm not really concerned with what's going on [with those reports]. I'm just focused on singing, because that's what I'm here to do."

All he said was, "I'm here to sing." Duh! Who didn't know that? How is this "breaking the silence" on his lap dancing career? Is journalism just getting increasingly shoddy with each passing day?

The gayest songs of Australia

2008-03-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's a list from an Australian website of the 50 gayest songs of all time -- which explains the two Kylie Minogue songs that I don't think I've ever heard in the top 10. Here's the top 20 songs that Aussies voted as the gayest:

20. Dolly Parton, "9 to 5"
19. Coming Out Crew, "Free, Gay and Happy"
18. Village People, "In the Navy"
17. Frankie Goes To Hollywood, "Relax"
16. Village People, "Macho Man"
15. Judy Garland, "Over The Rainbow"
14. Bronski Beat, "Smalltown Boy"
13. Diana Ross, "I'm Coming Out"
12. Cher, "Believe"
11. Gloria Gaynor, "I Am What I Am"
10. Alicia Bridges, "I Love The Nightlife"
9. Madonna, "Vogue"
8. Olivia Netwon-John "Xanadu"
7. Kylie Minogue, "Better The Devil You Know"
6. Pet Shop Boys, "Go West"
5. Kylie Minogue, "Your Disco Needs You"
4. The Weathergirls, "It's Raining Men"
3. Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive"
2. Village People, "YMCA"
1. ABBA, "Dancing Queen"

Today's Philadelphia Queer News Update

2008-03-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Actually there are two updates, since I didn't get to post the first one last week when it was reported. There were a series of recent burglaries in which the perpetrators would cut holes through the rooftops to gain entry. Among the businesses robbed was a Wawa convenience store (a regional chain that's MUCH better than 7-Eleven), in which cash, cigarettes and condoms were taken. The condom theft almost make sense in light of the news that the two men arrested last week in connection with some of the burglaries are twin brothers -- and have done some work in gay porn:

The Goffney twins are also the focus of numerous hardcore Internet gay-porn videos - some of which they star in together under the stage names Keyon and Teyon, according to several Internet sites that write about modeling and gay culture.

In "Marc and the Twins," which was distributed only online, the Goffneys are hanging out on the Las Vegas strip when they offer to audition for "Marc," a chiseled black porn star who happens to pass by.

The three take the "audition" to a seedy hotel room. Although "Marc" is the focus of the encounter, the twins can be seen rubbing each other's chests and getting cozy.

"Marc and the Twins" seems to be the most popular of the online porn films that star Taleon and Keyontyli. Their co-star in the film, Marc Williams, is a fairly big name in gay porn, according to Erik Schut, editorial director of Philadelphia-based TLA Entertainment Group.

The company's Web site, TLAVideo.com, is the nation's largest retailer of gay porn DVDs. To Schut's knowledge, the twins have not appeared in any porn films available on DVD, but he said if they had chosen to further their career in porn, "They could have been huge."

Meanwhile, apparently Diana Ross isn't the only woman to have once fondled Lil' Kim's breast. A local radio DJ who is known on the air as Golden Girl wrote a book called "Sex & Celebrities: The Truth, the Whole Truth, the Naked Truth," which includes her tale of a steamy encounter with Lil' Kim. The rapper spent a few months in a federal prison here; could it have been a conjugal visit? We don't know for sure as we have no video, but because we love you, here's Miss Ross' boob-bobbling moment at the MTV awards.

Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

To request removal of an image, please contact the poster.

Larry Craig wants you!

2008-03-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

Haven't you always wanted to be an intern for a closeted homophobic politician who enjoys bathroom sex? David Letterman ran Craig's advertisement...

Saturday's Pretty Picture

2008-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

From The New Yorker:

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Because you asked for it...

2008-03-01T13:16:00.001-08:00

These are "after" pictures. ;-) Click on the image for the full version. And that last photo of the back of my shirt is just to show off the special message for New York Mets fans. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The Joker endorses Hillary!

2008-03-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

This is not a headline from The Onion! This is NOT an imaginary story!

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

To request removal of an image, please contact the poster.

Rick Astley would never...plus a Video Flashback!

2008-02-29T16:30:00.000-08:00

Love this chart! (Click on it to see it more clearly...unless someone knows how to get the larger version to show up on the page...)

And here's the video, with VH1's pop-ups:

A moment of pimpage, if you don't mind

2008-02-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

For all you SF/Fantasy fans out there (and yes, I know you're there -- I can hear you breathing heavily over the kissing scene from Torchwood's second season opener) I've decided to run an experiment and have some of my electronically printed short fiction available for purchase from AnthologyBuilder.com. Their contract is reasonable, they have a damn good selection of short fiction from all genres (not just SF/Fantasy/Horror), and hey, I may actually make some money on the pieces, which is always good.

So if you've ever wanted "Bartok and the Unicorn", "That Time of the Month" or "The Padre, the Rabbi and the Devil His Own Self" in printed format, you now know where to go.

No, don't thank me -- I'm the giving kind, you know.

Coming soon: the new Madonna album!

2008-02-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

Entertainment Weekly reports on its website that Madonna's next album (and her last album for Warner Bros., excluding hits compilations) will be out April 29th and will be called Hard Candy. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland have worked on it. I can't wait!

Are awards shows dying?

2008-02-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

Preliminary ratings indicate that last night's Oscar show was the lowest-rated ever -- down 21 percent from last year and down 14 percent from the previous lowest-rated show in 2003.

The Golden Globes and People's Choice were basically wiped out by the writers' strike, but the Grammys and Oscars both had writers and no picket lines to keep stars from showing up, and both tanked in the ratings. Are people tired of awards shows? Are there too many awards shows? It is just that the nominated movies, songs, etc. weren't that popular this year? Was this just a bad year?

As much as I love music I never watch the Grammys or American Music Awards any more. Other than the occasional Emmy telecast I have basically never watched any other awards shows -- Golden Globes, SAG awards, Tonys, People's Choice, etc. So maybe I'm not the viewer they need to talk to if they want to figure out why the ratings are dropping.

I still watch the Oscars, although this year I saw for the first time the Independent Spirit awards on IFC, and that show was much more fun (even though Jon Stewart did a good job last night). If other shows were more like the indie awards show, I might watch them.

Porcupine 1; Pitbull 0

2008-02-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

From a Craigslist post:

A pitbull was in his backyard in southern California, minding his own business....until this porcupine invaded his territory. The brave, but stupid pitbull immediately challenged the porcupine! Bad decision...the porcupine won this short contest.

A vet sedated the dog, and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson.

Now, tell me you had a bad day!!

Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-24T08:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Glitter Queen for the inspiration.

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Putting the Queen in Glitter Queen

2008-02-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

This is my first attempt at embedding. Be kind.

Saturday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

Spring comes to my garden.

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Feeling Optimistic?

2008-02-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

Pure Joy!

2008-02-22T16:37:00.001-08:00

Today's Dirty Dozen iTunes shuffle

2008-02-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

It's been over 2 weeks. I think we can safely trot one out here...

Walk Away From Love - David Ruffin
Behind The Wheel - Depeche Mode
No One Is To Blame - Howard Jones
Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley
Da Da Da - Trio
Revolution - Nina Simone
Waterfront - Simple Minds
Trick Of The Night (The Number One Mix) - Bananarama
Pale Shelter - Tears For Fears
Come Inside - The Chemical Brothers
So Much To Say - Dave Matthews Band
Strange Way - Jody Watley

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-22T11:22:00.000-08:00

Hot from the dryer.

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LCM's Video Vlashbacks

2008-02-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

Darlings,

I'm just now catching up on some contracting work I'd been putting off and on top of the pile is a request to review the 1982 Eurovision Song Contest. (putting on enormous moviestar sunglasses and looking at the video) Well let's see what the latest trends are, sweeties...hmmm?

It was held in Harrowgate? I'm glad they included a map, I wouldn't have known it was in England - but having seen it now I'm thinking it's probably near where Heather Mills lives. I just adore her - she's good people.

Oh dear. The hostess. She sounds like Julie Andrews, but she looks like Barbara Bush. Well, a slim Barbara Bush. Which is even more infuriating. Oh I can't stand it - I'm fast-forwarding.

Well the first song up is "Bem Bom" by Doce - from Portugal. Oh, and they apparently finished in 13th place - how unlucky. But I can't see why - the song is fabulous - in fact I think Mumsey had this as the first waltz at her ill-conceived wedding to Klaus Von Bulow that year. She inadvertently nearly OD'd on insulin and he threw her out of the house. Tsk. And I love the gowns - so ultra-modern! The culottes in the background are a bit how-you-say though - all slits and crotchless - but with tights underneath, so it defeats the whole purpose, really.

Oh here comes Svetlana from Luxembourg with "Cours Apres le Temps" - which I think is French for "I Was Drunk When I Put These Drapes On And Walked Out Of The House." The hair - the hair - too much hair - or not enough - I'm undecided. The only thing I like is the blue eyeshadow and the male backup singers - but then I've always have a thing for men in white ties and blue slacks, I guess. Oh and she came 6th. I expect the judges were dazzled by the slacks as well.

Oh dear. I need a drink for this next one. It's "Adieu" by Jahn Teigen and Anita Skorgan from Norway. I mean the song is fine, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing - music, I mean - but the two have about as much chemistry as, well, something with not very much chemistry. The People's Choice Awards, perhaps. But I suppose that's why they're singing "Adieu." Now I'm no judge of piano-banging sluts and poorly coiffed gays, but I'm looking AND seeing, darlings - really I am. They came 12th.

Oh hooray! It's something in English! And the boy is cute! She's a bit like Toni Tennille in a miniskirt. But glancing at him again, oh I can tell they're entirely talented. It's "One Step Further" by Bardo. But somehow they only came 7th. I bet it was because Toni just walked up and couldn't keep her ankle off cutie's shoulder. I mean, I've done that move, darlings, and it takes practice to be able to do it with an appropriate measure of demureness. Oh how disappointing.

Oh I love it! LOVE IT! It's "Hani" by Neco from Turkey, darlings, and it's the gayest gay thing since that time everything was gay! Oh the tuxedo - the hair - the swish of those luscious hips! I'm sorry, darlings, but I'm declaring this my favourite so far. It's artistic AND arousing - which is a sign of true artistry, I find. They came 15th, but then swishing gay hips have made a lot of progress since the show aired - I expect these days they'd win.

Hmmm. It's Kojo from Finland with "Nuku Pemmiin" and they came 18th. Hmmm.
No, I don't like this one. Sure, it sounds like he's telling people to sex him up, but really - the backup band is a nightmare of Charlie Chaplin look-alikes and those red pants are far too loose. I mean, why wear red pants if you make them loose? It's like wearing your thong backwards, darlings - you might attract attention at first, but then once people get a good look, they hardly ever do a follow-up. Let's move on...

Oh. Hmmm. It's "Amour On t'Aime" by Arlette Zola from Switzerland and they came third. THIRD. Well now I'm angry. She's awful - the song is rotten - and those backup singers are ALL wearing underwear, I can just tell. NEXT!

Oooh. OOOOH! That gown is FABULOUS! It's Anna Vissi from Cyprus singing "Mono i Agapi" and she came 5th. Oh and I love the song! It's like Edith Piaf in an off-the-shoulder Halston, darling - I mean, it's really REALLY good! Oh I put her at #1 - she's the sort of singer I like - emotionally damaged, career in free-fall, but looking just absolutely great. I must have that gown. I'm calling Cyprus immediately after this review.

AAAK! Girls in pantsuits! AAAK! Excuse me, darlings - I'll need another drink. (slugs a double back with wild, yet elegant abandon) AAAK! AAAK! It's music to iron your clothes - oh I want to take an iron to those singers - AAAAK! (slugs back another one) Ugh. Okay. I'm getting it together, darlings. Yes. Okay - it's a duo called Chips from Sweden with a song called "Dag Efter Dag" which I can only take to mean "Kill me - kill me now." Oh I can't stand it - I'm turning the volume off til it's over. (LCM begins to hum) Oh now I'm humming that Arlette Zola song again. (hums and hums) Well I don't understand why I'm humming like this. (drinks another drink) Let's get the hell away from those pantsuits - it's messing me up, darlings.

Oh good lord! It's insanity! Oh wait. No. It's "Sonntag" by Mess from Austria. Well it's the perfect name for the group - they're clearly freaking out on speed! They came 9th, but they both probably died of heart attacks before they found out. How strange.

Oh here comes Belgium with "Si Tu Aimes Ma Musique" by Stella. Well Stella, you're dressed in a doiley, that belt belongs in the engine of a 747, and if your hair were any more feathered it would lay an egg. Be thankful for your 4th placing and let's never speak of this again.

Oh my god - it's Catherine Zeta Jones before she started lying about her age. HAHAHAH! Actually, it's Lucia from Spain with "El." She came 10th. Now the interesting thing is the man dancing behind her. I think if you look the term "Eurotrash" up in the dictionary they've got his picture there. Enough - I'm moving on.

You know, I always liked Denmark. They gave us Lego. But then THIS. It's Brixx with "Video Video." They finished 17th, 17th. (LCM sits with a blank, lifeless expression until the song ends)

Hmmm. Oh, I don't know what to think. It's "Halo Halo" by Aska from Yugoslavia. Remember Yugoslavia, darlings? Well if not, this is why. Part of me wants to buy these girls a drink and talk about the outfits, the hair and the "choreography." Yes, especially the choreography. I think we know now where the Church Lady got her dance. So part of me wants to ask and ask - but then part of me now wants to fling myself down an elevator shaft instead, so I guess I'll compromise and just see who's next.

Ooh - I like this next guy - he's from Israel - a country I love and plan to visit one day when they change that law that says I can't. He came 2nd and I guess he's Avi Toledano - he's singing "Hora" - which, in an unrelated aside, I must admit to having been called more than a few times at the Boom Boom Rooms, darlings. Oh he's cute. The backup singers are very - well I don't care about them. He's cute. After I call Cyprus for that gown, I'm getting Tel Aviv on the blower. Yum!

Well it's Bill Van Dijk from the Netherlands with "Jij en Ik" - and that's what I'm saying too - IK! AWFUL! No. Wait. Awful. Awful. Wonderful. No - wait - oh my god, that drummer lady winked at me twice - I'm so irretreviably gay now, darlings, I can't begin to tell you. They came 16th, but - well - you have to see them dance, darlings - they all dance - even the musicians - and it's so charmingly abysmal, I hate to give them a bad review, so I won't. It's really, really, really, super, ummm, okay. Blink. Blink. Oh I just shuddered. God forgive me, but they should have been the lounge act on the Love Boat, sweeties - it would have been magic.

Oh no. Poor Ireland. This was before the peace and prosperity, darlings. It's The Duskeys with "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" - and let's hope today is tomorrow, because they're absolute crap. They came 11th.

Oh. It's over. Oh. OH! WHAT? This last girl won?! WHAT?!?! (checking notes) Oh. (looking again) Well then. (blank stare) Ummm. Hmmm. Okay, it's Nicole from Germany - I assume it would have been West Germany at the time - and she's trilling "Ein Bisschen Frieden" - which I think is German for "I slept with all the judges." Well I just don't know how to express my feelings right now, darlings. Eich Bein Une Swindled Reviewer, if this is the pot of gold at the end. I mean god - she's got really, really, REALLY bad hair. I can't even even call it hair. It's a couch throw. It's a plant hanger. It's a hammock. But it is NOT a hairdo. Oh this stands as the greatest injustice of modern times, darlings - she beat that cute boy from Israel! GOD!

Storming Off In Complete Outrage
LCM

HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE :: Part Six

2008-02-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

I sat back on the seat, enjoying the suppleness of the limo's Corinthian leather. Across from me, Fabulanna's academician of all things theatrical smirked at me. Next to him was Cheryl, Frank's lawyer and the fiercest of legal eagles. She didn't look nearly as comfortable as her client; I had to wonder if Frank knew that Cheryl and I had gotten loaded one night and she told me all about his weekend habit of dressing up like Gloria Swanson and shooting at his manservant Ted with a BB gun. It was just a mercy that Frank's mansion didn't have a pool.

"So there was something you wanted to say to me?" I quipped.

"I did," Frank said, toying with a chestnut curl.

"And that is?"

"Drop your investigation. Now."

I chuckled. "Oh, come on, Frank -- you'll have to do better than that."

The professor's already arched eyebrow approached his hairline. "As you wish. Drop your investigation now, or I will be slapping you with a lawsuit for slander that will take every dime you have and put a lien on your income for the foreseeable future. You'll be doing training manuals for Motel 6 again before you can say, "We'll leave the light on for you."

Cheryl gave me a "what can I do?" shrug. Now this was more like it. "I'm curious," I said, buffing my nails on my trenchcoat. "When exactly did I slander you?"

"When you started nosing around the Lone Star Gym, intimating that it has some nefarious connection to the missing mimes. You do know that I'm part owner, of course."

"Of course," I said, lying baldly. "I didn't think it would take you this long to get in touch with me, however."

Frank glared at me like Britney Spears facing down a psychiatric nurse. "You try mounting a production of Antigone with an all-dwarf cast and see how much spare time you have," he snapped. "Which is beside the point -- I want you to stop interfering with my place of business. The Lone Star Gym is a fixture of Fabulanna and provides a necessary service to anyone who wishes to maintain a lean, trim figure."

"Or wishes to hook up with anonymous gymrats in its fabled locker room," I added. "By the way, is the Sling of Outrageous Fortune still set up?"

Frank's nostrils flared to an impressive width. "More slander."

Cheryl sighed. "As your attorney, I must advise you that proving slander on this particular point will be very difficult, considering the pictorial spread you authorized last year for Fabulanna Living," she said. "In which the Sling was prominently featured. Against my advice, if you remember."

Frank's mouth pursed tighter than Betty Bower's hoo-hoo. "It was supposed to be described as a chiropractic device," he muttered. "I had no idea they were going to photograph Manuel in the Arrow position."

"We were saying something about slander?" I chirped brightly.

With a visible effort, Frank got his emotions under control. "This is your final warning, ZanZan," he gritted. "Go do something useful for a change, and forget about those ridiculous mimes. No one will miss them, I assure you."

Somehow, I doubted that. The silent little devils in their striped tunics and jaunty berets were as much a fixture of the Fabulanna landscape as the Boom Boom Room and the Rose Chateau. "What about Carrot Top?"

An odd look crossed Frank's face, a mélange of fear and hopefulness. "I'd advise giving him a wide berth," he said, his voice dropping. "Of course, if he disappeared from the face of the island I wouldn't exactly cry, especially if he took his little buddy Joe with him."

That was strange. While they weren't bosom buddies, I didn't know of any problems between the professor and Fabulanna's sports expert. "A lot of people seem to have an issue with Joe these days," I mused. "Did he screw up a point spread for you or what?"

Both Frank and Cheryl looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, you're talking smack about Joe, so I just wondered--"

A light dawned, and it wasn't the rosy glow in the east. "Oh, dear God. You really don't know whom you're dealing with, do you?" Frank muttered, turning a pasty white. "I'm talking about--"

A metallic BOOM threw me forward into my seat belt as my hosts lurched back in their seats, grasping for the Jesus bars. "What in the name of Harold Pinter!" Frank screeched. "Cheryl, get ready to sue the ass off whoever hit my limo!"

I leaned forward, peering past the dazed Milo at the starred windshield. Beyond, a large shape waited patiently. This really wasn't turning out to be my night.

Give Ellen Page something nice, dammit!

2008-02-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

A Best Actress Oscar, an island somewhere in the Caribbean, her own talk show, I don't care. All I know is that I would gladly go through multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization, including the special joy that is having a cold metallic duckbill shoved up my hoo-hoo, if it meant I would eventually spawn a daughter as witty, verbal and eminently together as Page's Juno MacGuff.

Better yet, she's in an upcoming movie with Dennis "Not nearly as much of an asshole as Randy" Quaid and the gruffly divine Thomas Haden Church, something about an uptight academician father with a Young Republican daughter and an adopted brother who drives him up the wall by breathing. I don't care about the plot, to be honest -- I just want more Ellen Page. She's the berries!

Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

Sunny weather & nursery shopping were the
highlights of my day today.
What a lovely winter we're having!
I love Seattle!

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A Very Special Playlist

2008-02-17T12:52:00.000-08:00

Since the gala for Princess I've been toying with the idea of creating a playlist incorporating some of the songs from the musical program (I really can take only so much ALW) plus songs that have always made me think of her or have come to make me think of her (for any number of reasons). It's taken a while, but I've finally come up with a first draft (more will be added, undoubtedly). So, without further ado, here it is:

Ride of the Valkyries - Adrian Boult

Princess - Jennifer Hale (The Powerpuff Girls)

A Whole New World - Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle

Vissi d'arte - Leontyne Price

Pure Imagination - Jane Monheit

Just An Old Fashioned Girl - Eartha Kitt

Practically Perfect - Laura-Michelle Kelly

O Mio Babbino Caro - Sissel

Personality - Pearl Bailey

One Day More - Matthew Morrison

Whatever Lola Wants - Sarah Vaughan

Nessun Dorma - Luciano Pavarotti

Why Do The Wrong People Travel? - Elaine Stritch

I Love Being Here With You - Peggy Lee

In These Shoes (Q Mix) - Kirsty MacColl

Music Of The Night - Barbra Streisand & Michael Crawford

Lime Jell-O Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise - Joan Morris & William Bolcom

To Keep My Love Alive, Parts 1 & 2 - Vivienne Segal

For Good - Idina Menzel & Kristen Chenoweth

Der Holle Rache - Donna Robin

Don't Touch My Tomatoes - Joséphine Baker

Weekend in the Country - Original London Cast

In This Life - Bette Midler

She (Tous les visages de l'amour) - Don Sheppard

This Is Heaven To Me - Madeleine Peyroux

Bumble Boogie - B Bumble & The Stingers

Hard-Hearted Hannah - Ella Fitzgerald

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again - Claire Moore

Coffee, Chocolate & Men - Jen Rathbun

Judi Dench - Forbidden Broadway: 2001 A Spoof Odyssey

A Little Brains, a Little Talent - Andrea Burns

Summertime - Leontyne Price

Diamonds Are Forever (Mantronik 007 Mix) - Shirley Bassey

Daddy - Kristin Chenoweth

You're The First, The Last, My Everything - Barry White

Caro mio ben - Cecilia Bartoli

A Spoonful of Julie - Forbidden Broadway Strikes Back

Paree - Beatrice Lillie

She's Got A Way [live] - Billy Joel

There Will Never Be Another You - Count Basie & Joe Williams

Aquarius - The Actors' Fund of America Benefit Recording

You're Just In Love - Ethel Merman & Donald O'Connor

It's Today - Angela Lansbury

My Heart Belongs To Daddy - Eartha Kitt

Kept Boy - Marc Almond

Time to Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman

Anyone care to dance?

2008-02-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

Saturday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

I love art. I love shopping.

Visit this website & buy something.

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Video Flashback

2008-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

It's Jermaine Stewart with "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off." Yeah, but I'm sure it helps nonetheless.

I mean, "Just slow down if you want me/A man wants to be approached cool & romantically" -- really? In Bizarro World?

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

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Why so many courtroom shows on TV?

2008-02-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

When a friend told me he might be appearing on the Judge Alex show, my first thought was, "Judge Who?" Then he told me he thinks Judge Alex is hot. So I thought I'd set the DVR and record one of his shows. Sure, it would've been easier to search for a picture online, but I'm not that smart. So I checked the daytime TV listings and discover a whole cornucopia of these shows on the local Fox and CW stations.

From 10 am to 2 pm the CW has nonstop episodes of Judge Mathis, Judge Maria Lopez, Judge David Young (he's gay, by the way -- and his tag line is "Justice With A Snap!"), and The People's Court, which is also on from 5 to 6 pm.

Fox, meanwhile, counters with a five-hour court block, including one or more episodes of Judge Hatchett, Divorce Court, Cristina's Court (Huh? Not Judge Cristina?), Judge Joe Brown and Judge Judy. If that's not enough, Judge Hatchett gets a re-air at the wonderful time of 4 am.

Clearly, this is why our judicial system is such a mess. All the best, brightest judges head for TV Land.

Oddly, the local station that used to be the WB affiliate and is now a MyNetwork station (did MyNetwork come before MySpace? And why is the local Fox station's website known as MyFoxPhilly.com? Shouldn't someone have copyrighted the use of the word "My" by now?) has no court TV shows. They just have to make do with multpile episodes of Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Steve Wilkos (who used to be "Director of Security" for Springer, which obviously qualifies one to become a host), and Cheaters.

Our Dangerous World

2008-02-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

No Place is Safe Any More!!

'The Hottie' is nottie

2008-02-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton's "The Hottie and the Nottie" hit the multiplexes this weekend. Well, a few multiplexes. According to Box Offfice Mojo, it was only on 111 screens and earned a grand total of $27,696 -- or $249 per screen. That's an average of $83 per screen per day -- if you assume 4 showings per day on each screen, that would mean about $21 per showing, or an average of two to three people in the theater each time, depending on the price of the ticket. I'm no expert, but that's not very good.

It's just less of me to love

2008-02-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

Back on November 12th I started a diet. Because of a discount I was able to get through the federal employees union I was in when I worked for the government, I signed up for NutriSystem. The way I figured it, having all foods pre-packaged (except for fruit/vegetable/dairy items you're supposed to add yourself) would be easiest since I'm not exactly one for cooking. I can microwave with the best of them, though. :P

I actually only bought two months' worth of NutriSystem -- the minimum number I needed to get in order to get my discount as well as the extra meals they included each month with two months' worth of orders. (And for the record, overall their food is adequate at best. Some items are decent, some are not very good, and for the love of all that is holy, if you're going to try NutriSystem customize your order and avoid the so-called "beef" patties!) So I'm not eating their food anymore. I'm sort of following their plan, though, eating breakfast/lunch/dinner entrees and morning, afternoon and evening snacks, with my own modifications of having a salad with lunch and dinner and two bananas a day, one with breakfast and one later in the day.

I really never needed NutriSystem, though. What I've learned is something that I pretty much always knew but never applied: if you want to lose weight, don't eat so much. Smaller portions. Don't eat all fatty foods and fast food and such. Drink lots of water. If you drink milk drink nonfat milk. Don't drink lots of soda, especially if it's not diet soda. This is something I never thought I could handle. I've always hated diet soda and anything less than 2 percent milk. But since I started this I've had nothing but nonfat milk and have no soda at all at home -- and if I'm out, it's been almost always diet soda.

It's not like I'm denying myself completely. For Christmas my mom made me a ceramic Santa Claus boot. Inside the boot was a bag of Hershey's Kisses and a bag of M&M's. I just followed the label and ate a few at a time as one of my daily snacks. And if you saw me at Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner or, more recently, my niece's birthday party, you'd never know I was dieting by the way I ate those days. ;-)

Okay, so by now you're probably wondering about my weight. When I started, I weighed 261 lbs., which surprised me because for years I've been pretty much in a range between 265 and 280 or so. As of today, I'm down to 230.8 (it's a digital scale) -- a loss of slightly over 30 lbs. in three months. And I've been dropping at a slow and steady rate. I weigh myself every Monday and my weekly loss has always fallen between 1.4 and 3.4 lbs., except for one week where I gained 0.8 -- that Saturday night I was watching a football game at a sports bar with a friend from out of town, and had a big dinner and a Long Island iced tea. I'm guessing the drink contained a lot of calories. After the first week I only lost 2.8 lbs., and I was a bit let down, actually. I thought I'd lose a lot more in the first week. But it adds up.

I wish I had taken a picture before I started, for a before-and-after comparison. I should try to find and scan a picture of me that was taken many years ago at Disney World...yikes. I used to joke that the baby was due any day now.

I still need to get more exercise, though. I try to get out and walk a bit, and I've hopped on my exercise bike a few times recently (first time in years), but I can do better in that department. Still, I'm happy. I feel like I can lose more -- I don't really have a set target weight, which I think goes against what the experts advise, but I figure the closer I get to 200 the happier I'll be -- and I feel that I can keep it off.

Looks like writers' strike over

2008-02-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

The tentative agreement between the union and studios will be voted on by the full membership on Tuesday at meetings in New York and Los Angeles. The leadership of the writers' guild is recommending the agreement be approved.

This is good news for the Oscar telecast, of course. And it might be good if the networks can get a few more new episodes of their hits before the season ends -- there's some speculation that at least some shows might just hold off until the fall. But it seems to me that it's not going to stem the "reality" TV tide any time soon. Those shows are cheaper to make and enough people watch them to make them profitable. So in the future we can look forward to more shows like "Are You Smarter Than A 5th-Grade Bachelorette Hooked Up To A Lie Detector While Dancing With Stars And Being Made A Supermodel?"

Sunday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-10T09:49:00.000-08:00

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Saturday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

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Helpful Tips

2008-02-09T13:26:00.001-08:00

Attend the Tale of Sweeney Floyd, the Dimwit Barber of Mayberry

2008-02-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

Survivor: Fans vs. Faves

2008-02-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, I finally caught up with the latest Survivor's premiere, and I wanted some feedback:

Who has the hottest body? James? Jason? Matthew McConnaughey (I had to watch an ad for "Fools Gold" at every commercial break).

Who's cutest?

Are we really supposed to believe that Kathy's never had a gay friend or seen implants before when she looks that much like a transexual?

Which fave are you in the biggest hurry to say godbye to?

Which fan stands the best chanced of outwitting, outplaying and whatever else it is that they have to be out about?

Friday's Pretty Picture

2008-02-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

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Academy Awards Marathon

2008-02-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

We've decided to see all the films that are nominated for best picture. I've already discussed No Country for Old Men and gave it two thumbs and great toes way up. However, my second film, There Will Be Blood doesn't even get a pinky mention.

Personally, I could have taken that script and made a better film. They didn't connect dots or develop conflicts. It was so @ing tedious, and not even static in a good way like My Dinner With Andre. I keep reading that Daniel Day Lewis's perfomance has been cited as the best performance in the history of cinema. NOT!! Don't give me that lame "character study" excuse. When he had worked that for all he could wring out of it, he just started gnawing on the scenery for effect. The evangelist was a watered-down Elmer Gantry. Nothing new, no progress. The cinematography was quite good though.

On a ten point scale, I give No Country for Old Men a 12 and There Will Be Blood a 2.

So today, we took in Atonement. It's not quite in No Country territory, but it's much better than There Will Be Blood. It was a hard watch because I'd read the book. There were no surpises until the last fifteen minutes because it was slavishly loyal to the book until the end, and there lies the rub. El wrongo. The book's ending was vastly superior. I wouldn't have minded it being less loyal to the book throughout, but why change the ending to something less satisfactory? Keira Knightley looked like a bag of bones in the film. She needs to keep to period pieces where she wears a bunch of petticoats. All in all, though, I'd give it an 8.

We're catching Juno next week. I heard it's "quirky", which isn't exactly my cup of tea. I've also heard, "charming," which is the label I might give America Ferrerra in Ugly Betty, but I don't pay to see that. Our final film is Michael Clayton. That's coming out on DVD next week, and we'll probably rent it.

Personally, I've enjoyed the TCM Oscar nominated films that they've been showing on their annual marathon better than most of the stuff I've seen this year. Something that's even more dispiriting is that, except for Juno, the majority of nominated films aren't making much money. Pretty soon, we'll be choosing between Rambo 9 and Porky's 12 since the more moronic the film, the more money it makes.

Today's lesson

2008-02-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

Be sure to win the race before you actually celebrate.