LCM's Video Vlashbacks

Darlings,

I'm just now catching up on some contracting work I'd been putting off and on top of the pile is a request to review the 1982 Eurovision Song Contest. (putting on enormous moviestar sunglasses and looking at the video) Well let's see what the latest trends are, sweeties...hmmm?



It was held in Harrowgate? I'm glad they included a map, I wouldn't have known it was in England - but having seen it now I'm thinking it's probably near where Heather Mills lives. I just adore her - she's good people.

Oh dear. The hostess. She sounds like Julie Andrews, but she looks like Barbara Bush. Well, a slim Barbara Bush. Which is even more infuriating. Oh I can't stand it - I'm fast-forwarding.

Well the first song up is "Bem Bom" by Doce - from Portugal. Oh, and they apparently finished in 13th place - how unlucky. But I can't see why - the song is fabulous - in fact I think Mumsey had this as the first waltz at her ill-conceived wedding to Klaus Von Bulow that year. She inadvertently nearly OD'd on insulin and he threw her out of the house. Tsk. And I love the gowns - so ultra-modern! The culottes in the background are a bit how-you-say though - all slits and crotchless - but with tights underneath, so it defeats the whole purpose, really.

Oh here comes Svetlana from Luxembourg with "Cours Apres le Temps" - which I think is French for "I Was Drunk When I Put These Drapes On And Walked Out Of The House." The hair - the hair - too much hair - or not enough - I'm undecided. The only thing I like is the blue eyeshadow and the male backup singers - but then I've always have a thing for men in white ties and blue slacks, I guess. Oh and she came 6th. I expect the judges were dazzled by the slacks as well.

Oh dear. I need a drink for this next one. It's "Adieu" by Jahn Teigen and Anita Skorgan from Norway. I mean the song is fine, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing - music, I mean - but the two have about as much chemistry as, well, something with not very much chemistry. The People's Choice Awards, perhaps. But I suppose that's why they're singing "Adieu." Now I'm no judge of piano-banging sluts and poorly coiffed gays, but I'm looking AND seeing, darlings - really I am. They came 12th.

Oh hooray! It's something in English! And the boy is cute! She's a bit like Toni Tennille in a miniskirt. But glancing at him again, oh I can tell they're entirely talented. It's "One Step Further" by Bardo. But somehow they only came 7th. I bet it was because Toni just walked up and couldn't keep her ankle off cutie's shoulder. I mean, I've done that move, darlings, and it takes practice to be able to do it with an appropriate measure of demureness. Oh how disappointing.

Oh I love it! LOVE IT! It's "Hani" by Neco from Turkey, darlings, and it's the gayest gay thing since that time everything was gay! Oh the tuxedo - the hair - the swish of those luscious hips! I'm sorry, darlings, but I'm declaring this my favourite so far. It's artistic AND arousing - which is a sign of true artistry, I find. They came 15th, but then swishing gay hips have made a lot of progress since the show aired - I expect these days they'd win.

Hmmm. It's Kojo from Finland with "Nuku Pemmiin" and they came 18th. Hmmm.
No, I don't like this one. Sure, it sounds like he's telling people to sex him up, but really - the backup band is a nightmare of Charlie Chaplin look-alikes and those red pants are far too loose. I mean, why wear red pants if you make them loose? It's like wearing your thong backwards, darlings - you might attract attention at first, but then once people get a good look, they hardly ever do a follow-up. Let's move on...

Oh. Hmmm. It's "Amour On t'Aime" by Arlette Zola from Switzerland and they came third. THIRD. Well now I'm angry. She's awful - the song is rotten - and those backup singers are ALL wearing underwear, I can just tell. NEXT!

Oooh. OOOOH! That gown is FABULOUS! It's Anna Vissi from Cyprus singing "Mono i Agapi" and she came 5th. Oh and I love the song! It's like Edith Piaf in an off-the-shoulder Halston, darling - I mean, it's really REALLY good! Oh I put her at #1 - she's the sort of singer I like - emotionally damaged, career in free-fall, but looking just absolutely great. I must have that gown. I'm calling Cyprus immediately after this review.

AAAK! Girls in pantsuits! AAAK! Excuse me, darlings - I'll need another drink. (slugs a double back with wild, yet elegant abandon) AAAK! AAAK! It's music to iron your clothes - oh I want to take an iron to those singers - AAAAK! (slugs back another one) Ugh. Okay. I'm getting it together, darlings. Yes. Okay - it's a duo called Chips from Sweden with a song called "Dag Efter Dag" which I can only take to mean "Kill me - kill me now." Oh I can't stand it - I'm turning the volume off til it's over. (LCM begins to hum) Oh now I'm humming that Arlette Zola song again. (hums and hums) Well I don't understand why I'm humming like this. (drinks another drink) Let's get the hell away from those pantsuits - it's messing me up, darlings.

Oh good lord! It's insanity! Oh wait. No. It's "Sonntag" by Mess from Austria. Well it's the perfect name for the group - they're clearly freaking out on speed! They came 9th, but they both probably died of heart attacks before they found out. How strange.

Oh here comes Belgium with "Si Tu Aimes Ma Musique" by Stella. Well Stella, you're dressed in a doiley, that belt belongs in the engine of a 747, and if your hair were any more feathered it would lay an egg. Be thankful for your 4th placing and let's never speak of this again.

Oh my god - it's Catherine Zeta Jones before she started lying about her age. HAHAHAH! Actually, it's Lucia from Spain with "El." She came 10th. Now the interesting thing is the man dancing behind her. I think if you look the term "Eurotrash" up in the dictionary they've got his picture there. Enough - I'm moving on.

You know, I always liked Denmark. They gave us Lego. But then THIS. It's Brixx with "Video Video." They finished 17th, 17th. (LCM sits with a blank, lifeless expression until the song ends)

Hmmm. Oh, I don't know what to think. It's "Halo Halo" by Aska from Yugoslavia. Remember Yugoslavia, darlings? Well if not, this is why. Part of me wants to buy these girls a drink and talk about the outfits, the hair and the "choreography." Yes, especially the choreography. I think we know now where the Church Lady got her dance. So part of me wants to ask and ask - but then part of me now wants to fling myself down an elevator shaft instead, so I guess I'll compromise and just see who's next.

Ooh - I like this next guy - he's from Israel - a country I love and plan to visit one day when they change that law that says I can't. He came 2nd and I guess he's Avi Toledano - he's singing "Hora" - which, in an unrelated aside, I must admit to having been called more than a few times at the Boom Boom Rooms, darlings. Oh he's cute. The backup singers are very - well I don't care about them. He's cute. After I call Cyprus for that gown, I'm getting Tel Aviv on the blower. Yum!

Well it's Bill Van Dijk from the Netherlands with "Jij en Ik" - and that's what I'm saying too - IK! AWFUL! No. Wait. Awful. Awful. Wonderful. No - wait - oh my god, that drummer lady winked at me twice - I'm so irretreviably gay now, darlings, I can't begin to tell you. They came 16th, but - well - you have to see them dance, darlings - they all dance - even the musicians - and it's so charmingly abysmal, I hate to give them a bad review, so I won't. It's really, really, really, super, ummm, okay. Blink. Blink. Oh I just shuddered. God forgive me, but they should have been the lounge act on the Love Boat, sweeties - it would have been magic.

Oh no. Poor Ireland. This was before the peace and prosperity, darlings. It's The Duskeys with "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" - and let's hope today is tomorrow, because they're absolute crap. They came 11th.

Oh. It's over. Oh. OH! WHAT? This last girl won?! WHAT?!?! (checking notes) Oh. (looking again) Well then. (blank stare) Ummm. Hmmm. Okay, it's Nicole from Germany - I assume it would have been West Germany at the time - and she's trilling "Ein Bisschen Frieden" - which I think is German for "I slept with all the judges." Well I just don't know how to express my feelings right now, darlings. Eich Bein Une Swindled Reviewer, if this is the pot of gold at the end. I mean god - she's got really, really, REALLY bad hair. I can't even even call it hair. It's a couch throw. It's a plant hanger. It's a hammock. But it is NOT a hairdo. Oh this stands as the greatest injustice of modern times, darlings - she beat that cute boy from Israel! GOD!

Storming Off In Complete Outrage
LCM