Give Ellen Page something nice, dammit!

A Best Actress Oscar, an island somewhere in the Caribbean, her own talk show, I don't care. All I know is that I would gladly go through multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization, including the special joy that is having a cold metallic duckbill shoved up my hoo-hoo, if it meant I would eventually spawn a daughter as witty, verbal and eminently together as Page's Juno MacGuff.

Better yet, she's in an upcoming movie with Dennis "Not nearly as much of an asshole as Randy" Quaid and the gruffly divine Thomas Haden Church, something about an uptight academician father with a Young Republican daughter and an adopted brother who drives him up the wall by breathing. I don't care about the plot, to be honest -- I just want more Ellen Page. She's the berries!