HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE :: Part One

HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE:
A ZanZan Fletcher Holiday Mystery

It was one of those cold December nights in Fabulanna when the wind seemed to blow straight out of E.mily's hoo-hoo and the flying monkeys huddled together in the Rose Chateau's bell tower for warmth. As the island's only private eye, I needed a shot of the good stuff to ward off the chill, so I was on my way to the Boom Boom Room for an Appletini and a Botox appointment with Dr. Chuey when my Prada boots hit something that squished.

I looked down at the wet pink pavement. "Oh, it's you."

"AAAAACKKK!" the figure shrieked. "Darling, I've ASKED you not to sneak up on me like that when I'm in the gutter. Are you here about the missing mimes?"

I blinked. LCM, Centre of the Known Universe and world-famous supermodel, could be a little oblique at times. Actually, he had a mind like a Stoli-soaked fractal design, but it was too damn cold to sling dirt and I just wanted my girly drink and a face full of botulism serum.

"Okay, I give -- what missing mimes?" I asked wearily.

LCM sat up, wiping dried Stoli from his chin. "My God, sweetie, did Jeffrey Sebelia come up with your outfit? I'm going to need another drink just to recover."

I fished an airline bottle out of my trenchcoat pocket and tossed it to him. "The mimes, LCM. What happened to them?"

The supermodel waved a weak hand. "It's all so foggy -- something about an obnoxious drag queen on steroids and Mumsy screaming, 'The Amazing Johnathan has more talent in his foreskin than you have in your whole hideously overdeveloped body!' I tell you, sweetie, it took the combined use of Walt and Joe's credit cards just to drive that horrible vision from my mind." He fished inside his Vivian Westwood purse, pulling out two worn slivers of plastic. "I suppose I should give them back now..."

A drag queen on 'roids, Mumsy and mimes. Suddenly I had a bad feeling.

"Carrot Top," I growled.

"AAAAACKKK!"

"Oh. Sorry, LCM."

But why would the comedian / bodybuilder / frightener of young children and supermodels be kidnapping mimes at Christmas? And what did Mumsy have to do with it?

Something stunk in Fabulanna, and it wasn't just LCM's puddle of sick. Lucky me, I had to get to the bottom of it.