Friday, August 29, 2008

Big Boys Before & After

Just wanted to post a Before & After of Joe and I. Between the two of us, we've managed to lose the combined weight of both Olsen Twins, Amy Winehouse and Rita Moreno.

Two Years Ago


Friday, August 15, 2008

New Meds n' Playlists Darlings

So anyhoo, darlings, I started my new meds today - stronger, higher, faster, that's my motto!

(pats wig with Olympian elan)

Oh but I've been dizzy, darling - right off my feet. They said to expect it, but I always assume they lie, so it came as a surprise to me.

(smiles in that good surprised way I have sometimes - sort of like Doris Day in the opening of her rotten tv show 40 years ago, only drunker and about a zillion times less *tanned*)

In any event, I've staggered to my computer here - you know how I am - I can't let my public go unaccosted for too many days in a row - and I've been listening to music. Oh just soothing old things - just junk and fabulous relics - all the best things everybody hates, but secretly loves. And here's what I've got on repeat on mediaplay as we speak, sweeties:

1. Bound By The Beauty - Jane Sibbery (I met her once in a disco in Fredericton - she was utterly artistic and dismissive - just how I hoped and dreamed)
2. My Heart Goes Bang - Dead Or Alive (the original single length version - the extended version would kill me in my present state - get me to the doctor, indeed)
3. Indian Summer - Dream Academy (oh I love this song, darlings - it takes me back to Shediac in the 80's - the warm and safe, pre-debauched times of my mid-teens - it brings tears to my eyes)
4. Tell Me Lies - Fleetwood Mac (I always thought Christine McVie was their best pop writer - and Stevie and what's his name - well - it's just fabulous - and the song means things to me - memories of troubled but enthusiastic times)
5. Walls Come Tumbling Down - Style Council (well after the last two, the tempo has to pick up, darlings - and this song conveys just how I felt in my university days - of course I've jaded and tired, but it brings me back to those fabulous activist days)
6. Cool Places - Sparks & Jane Weidlin (of the Go-Go's, darlings - this was *the* song of my summer when I was 18 - legal age at the time - disco every bloody night - fabulous!)
7. Bad Reputation - Joan Jett (god, darlings - I just new this song was written for *me* the second I first heard it back in 1982 - rock on, Joan, darling)
8. Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But The Rent - Gwen Guthrie (LOL - when the money ran out at the end of first year university, this was my theme song - thank god for friends who kept me from just outright prostitution! Oh but I still managed to keep up the level of fun - I'm LCM after all. LOL!)
9. Never Tear Us Apart - INXS (sigh - the first song I ever waltzed to with someone I felt I was in love with and they loved me - it actually lasted 6 months and now I can't even remember his last name - isn't that typical. Tsk.)
10. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles (time, time, time - see what's become of me - I always thought this was a hell of a lot better than the Simon And Garfunkel original - but I wish they'd included the line about vodka and lime)

Anyway, Darlings - That's The LCM Soundtrack For August 15, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Top 10 Signs Your Country Is Not Going To An Olympic Gold Medal

So anyhoo, darlings, I've been watching more of the Olympics from distant China, sweeties, and I just adore it - all the fabulous new buildings, it's just astounding. On the other hand, Canada has get to win a medal - I mean apart the gold one I was telling friends and co-workers about yesterday which I was awarded for NICENESS - they scoffed, I tore in to them - hilarity ensued.

In keeping with the national tradition though, I thought I'd try a top 10.

Top 10 Signs Your Country Is Not Going To Win A Gold Medal At These Olympics

10. Your best track and field athlete has a wet, hacking cough.
9. The women's gymnastic team are too busy pole dancing for the Russian men's gymnastics team.
8. Your marathon runners keep stopping for smoke breaks.
7. The equestrian team keeps yelling "Hi-ho Silver, Away!"
6. Your "fencing" team is just a bunch of burglars.
5. The men's syncronized diving team consists of one man with a sock puppet - worn in the rudest possible way.
4. The men's beach volley ball team insists on wearing waterwings - "just in case"
3. Your best boxer keeps screaming "He's hitting me!!! Stop him!!!"
2. The head coach keeps offering athletes hits off his joint.
1. They elected Stephen bloody Harper as Prime Minister!!!

Sending Love, Looking Fabulous

Monday, August 11, 2008

RIP Isaac Hayes, Darlings

LCM: (sitting in corner booth, pouring cocktails) Oh darlings - come and sit with me - I just heard the news about poor Isaac Hayes, sweeties.

(patting wig, sighing heavily)

Oh I know, darlings, everybody says "Oh no, no more salty chocolate balls" or what have you, but to me he meant something very different.

(gazing off, remembering)

It was 1996, sweeties - I found a group on Usenet - alt.showbiz.gossip - and it was so wonderous - it was the most marvelous, awful, fabulous place I'd ever seen. And of course I fit right in. As did our beloved Princess who followed me by, I think, three months.

(smiling through tears)

Those early days were magical. What fun we had - laughing, bitching, being so awful and clever and free. I think for many of us it was like finding someplace that felt like "home" in a new and strange setting that none of us truly understood.

(sipping drink)

And early in my times there I adopted the Theme From Shaft as my anthem - the primitive disco beat - the (at the time) vague obscureness of it all - it fit my new persona as "LCM" so perfectly.

(patting wig)

And little did I know at the time of all his works - Isaac Hayes - he was a gifted individual - his work with Stax - his producing - his writing - his singing - he was very influential and many who came after him went on to much more lucrative times.

(nodding knowingly)

I hear he had some bad times. And I'm sorry for that. But he survived. Oh I hear he went to the strange fake religion, but I prefer not to focus on that. I'd rather just sit and listen to that one song that inspired me so many years ago.

(puts money in juke box)

And so...

(noticed he accidentally picked Brenda Lee first and she's not dead yet, so kicks juke box onto second pick, The Theme From Shaft)

And so...

(raises glass)'s to a talented man who inspired, darlings. I'll always remember.

Toasting To Talent


LCM's entrance wouldn't be the same without this.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympic Thoughts Avec LCM

LCM: (pouring smart cocktail and noticing) Oh hello, darlings - you've just caught me at the
best possible time, sweeties.

(smiling, patting mid-century modernist couch he found in the gutter one time)

Come have a seat with me - I'm going to talk about the current (using quotey fingers)

(lighting a glamorous du Maurier, exhaling with thoughtfulness)

So anyhoo.

(gazes off blankly for a moment, then seems to collect thoughts)

I've been at home a bit lately, darlings - a bit more than usual, I'm afraid.

(getting an icy look)

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding between the insane, wholly unjust and utterly
corrupt legal system and myself, I find myself a political prisoner in my own home.

(pulls up leg of silver Vivienne Westwood catsuit to display ankle doohickey)

I'm to remain here for two or three weeks.


Or months.


I forget which - but my oldest living friend Emily is having a smashing cocktail party the end
of next week so that's when this is coming off as far as I'm concerned.

(nods to nearby mime holding chainsaw)

Marcel and I have our plans, you see.

(smiling and turning to his highly personalized laptop computer marked Property of the City
Of Newark)

So I've been dredging the very depths of the information highways, darlings - you know how
I am - my thirst for knowledge and such.

(pauses, looks at screen showing illicit sexyness)

Ugh - more unconvincing amateurs. I mean to say, darlings - how can an amateur be
unconvincing? It's the easiest thing possible - it's like not being able to pull off being
carbon-based convincingly.

(frowns, brow arched)

It's more sociological proof of a new category of people, darling - people too stupid to live,
that's what.

(closes that window)

Anyhoo, in my quest for wisdom, the first thing I've learned is that you can only look at so
much pornography, darlings - after five or six hours you just want to crawl into a volcano - it's
so soul deadening.

(pats wig)

And when did that happen, darlings? In my day the pornography was fun and cheerful - now
it's all serious and awful. People kiss! I mean god - if I wanted to see that, I'd have just let
them throw me in jail.

(lights another glamorous du Maurier and surfs to the page)

Here's what I've been spending a lot of my time looking at, sweeties. Did you know there's
an Olympics on right now? In China.

(nods smartly)

At first I thought it was just a very expensive Japanese whiskey ad, but then the people
didn't look quite right, and there wasn't any booze or Hollywood has-beens.

(nods more smartly)

And when there isn't any booze or has-beens, darlings, it's just *not* a Japanese whiskey

(pats wig, clicks and clicks)

So let's see what's showing. Oh fabulous - it's women's gymnastics. I adore it.

(glances and sees - smokes and drinks - answers the odd call on his flip phone, which
invariably ends with him telling someone off and hanging up - then turns and frowns)

Well if this is the Olympics, darlings, I'm thinking all the top teens queens must have been
killed in some horrible plane crash, because the talent level just isn't up to snuff.

(clicks to Google video)

Look here, darling - THIS is women's gymnastics.

Nadia Comaneci was terrific - the original 10, if you will. She won about a billion gold medals
and they named a country after her - I forget which one, exactly - possibly Chad - even
though that's a boy's name.

(nods knowingly)

And let's not foget that soap opera song - Nadia's Theme - how many of us singles spent
night after heartbroken night in the 1970's, listening to it, drunk and sobbing after having
been tossed aside like used Tampax by one cad or another? Hmmmm?


I can't imagine I'll ever celebrate my used-up and destroyed status listening to songs about
these girls.

(waves vaguely at screen)

You know what I find most changed, darlings - is the floor exercise. I mean, Nadia's was just
perfection - so bright and energetic - it actually *looked* like a dance - not some errant track
and field effort gone gay. Here - I'll show you what I mean...

This is Shawn Johnson, she's from America. And as of this afternoon she was leading in the
individual gymnists category. Now she's pretty damned good here - just a slight hop on one
landing, but otherwise it looks like it turned out how she probably intended.

(patting wig, sipping cocktail)

But that's where the problem resides, darlings. I mean, gymnists these days - well the poor
girls don't look like they're enjoying it at all. The floor exercise used to be more artistic -
you'd actually try to dance TO your song. Now they just tip, tap, tap a few steps, get to a
corner, grimmace, take a huge breath and brace themselves, then charge like crazy across
the mat with all the enthusiasm of someone leaping from a burning building. It's just NO
damned fun.

(sighing heavily)

Oh heavy sigh, sweeties. It's not like art anymore - oh the jumps might be higher and the
flips and turns might be more numerous - but it's not better - it's just *more.* The entire
exercise has all the depth and elegance of a smash and grab. I find that rather sad, darlings.

(pouring drinks)

Oh but the men's swimming is coming up - that will give us a boost, sweeties.

(brow arched, nodding)

You know, you can tell a lot about a person by their spandex speedo, darlings - it's entirely
edifying and it fits perfectly with my new thirst for knowledge.

(smiling grandly, passing drinks)

Let's have a few and try to guess which ones are circumcized, hmmm? Fabulous!

Having Cocktails And Being A Real Sports Enthusiast

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Dog Days Dirty Dozen

Wow, it took me forever to figure out how to print my shuffle.

1. My Baby Janis Joplin
2. I Wish I Didn't Love You So k.d. lang
3. I'm Alway True To You In My Fashion Ella Fitzgerald
4. Nobody's Lonesome For Me Hank Williams
5. Sly Fox Nas
6. In A Sentimental Mood Dr. John
7. Money (That's What I Want) The Beatles
8. Corazon Espinado Santana
9. Me And Mrs. Jones Michael Bublé
10. Musicology Prince
11. Time After Time (Acoustic) Cyndi Lauper with Sarah McLachlan
12. Johnny Was Bob Marley & The Wailers