Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympic Thoughts Avec LCM

LCM: (pouring smart cocktail and noticing) Oh hello, darlings - you've just caught me at the
best possible time, sweeties.

(smiling, patting mid-century modernist couch he found in the gutter one time)

Come have a seat with me - I'm going to talk about the current (using quotey fingers)

(lighting a glamorous du Maurier, exhaling with thoughtfulness)

So anyhoo.

(gazes off blankly for a moment, then seems to collect thoughts)

I've been at home a bit lately, darlings - a bit more than usual, I'm afraid.

(getting an icy look)

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding between the insane, wholly unjust and utterly
corrupt legal system and myself, I find myself a political prisoner in my own home.

(pulls up leg of silver Vivienne Westwood catsuit to display ankle doohickey)

I'm to remain here for two or three weeks.


Or months.


I forget which - but my oldest living friend Emily is having a smashing cocktail party the end
of next week so that's when this is coming off as far as I'm concerned.

(nods to nearby mime holding chainsaw)

Marcel and I have our plans, you see.

(smiling and turning to his highly personalized laptop computer marked Property of the City
Of Newark)

So I've been dredging the very depths of the information highways, darlings - you know how
I am - my thirst for knowledge and such.

(pauses, looks at screen showing illicit sexyness)

Ugh - more unconvincing amateurs. I mean to say, darlings - how can an amateur be
unconvincing? It's the easiest thing possible - it's like not being able to pull off being
carbon-based convincingly.

(frowns, brow arched)

It's more sociological proof of a new category of people, darling - people too stupid to live,
that's what.

(closes that window)

Anyhoo, in my quest for wisdom, the first thing I've learned is that you can only look at so
much pornography, darlings - after five or six hours you just want to crawl into a volcano - it's
so soul deadening.

(pats wig)

And when did that happen, darlings? In my day the pornography was fun and cheerful - now
it's all serious and awful. People kiss! I mean god - if I wanted to see that, I'd have just let
them throw me in jail.

(lights another glamorous du Maurier and surfs to the page)

Here's what I've been spending a lot of my time looking at, sweeties. Did you know there's
an Olympics on right now? In China.

(nods smartly)

At first I thought it was just a very expensive Japanese whiskey ad, but then the people
didn't look quite right, and there wasn't any booze or Hollywood has-beens.

(nods more smartly)

And when there isn't any booze or has-beens, darlings, it's just *not* a Japanese whiskey

(pats wig, clicks and clicks)

So let's see what's showing. Oh fabulous - it's women's gymnastics. I adore it.

(glances and sees - smokes and drinks - answers the odd call on his flip phone, which
invariably ends with him telling someone off and hanging up - then turns and frowns)

Well if this is the Olympics, darlings, I'm thinking all the top teens queens must have been
killed in some horrible plane crash, because the talent level just isn't up to snuff.

(clicks to Google video)

Look here, darling - THIS is women's gymnastics.

Nadia Comaneci was terrific - the original 10, if you will. She won about a billion gold medals
and they named a country after her - I forget which one, exactly - possibly Chad - even
though that's a boy's name.

(nods knowingly)

And let's not foget that soap opera song - Nadia's Theme - how many of us singles spent
night after heartbroken night in the 1970's, listening to it, drunk and sobbing after having
been tossed aside like used Tampax by one cad or another? Hmmmm?


I can't imagine I'll ever celebrate my used-up and destroyed status listening to songs about
these girls.

(waves vaguely at screen)

You know what I find most changed, darlings - is the floor exercise. I mean, Nadia's was just
perfection - so bright and energetic - it actually *looked* like a dance - not some errant track
and field effort gone gay. Here - I'll show you what I mean...

This is Shawn Johnson, she's from America. And as of this afternoon she was leading in the
individual gymnists category. Now she's pretty damned good here - just a slight hop on one
landing, but otherwise it looks like it turned out how she probably intended.

(patting wig, sipping cocktail)

But that's where the problem resides, darlings. I mean, gymnists these days - well the poor
girls don't look like they're enjoying it at all. The floor exercise used to be more artistic -
you'd actually try to dance TO your song. Now they just tip, tap, tap a few steps, get to a
corner, grimmace, take a huge breath and brace themselves, then charge like crazy across
the mat with all the enthusiasm of someone leaping from a burning building. It's just NO
damned fun.

(sighing heavily)

Oh heavy sigh, sweeties. It's not like art anymore - oh the jumps might be higher and the
flips and turns might be more numerous - but it's not better - it's just *more.* The entire
exercise has all the depth and elegance of a smash and grab. I find that rather sad, darlings.

(pouring drinks)

Oh but the men's swimming is coming up - that will give us a boost, sweeties.

(brow arched, nodding)

You know, you can tell a lot about a person by their spandex speedo, darlings - it's entirely
edifying and it fits perfectly with my new thirst for knowledge.

(smiling grandly, passing drinks)

Let's have a few and try to guess which ones are circumcized, hmmm? Fabulous!

Having Cocktails And Being A Real Sports Enthusiast