Saturday, January 12, 2008

If I Were Clay Aiken's Press Agent

Clay just gave a disastrous interview to Newsweek. His answers follow the questions. If I were his press agent, he'd have responded with the answers in red.

How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?

I'm not going to talk about it.

She just needed a good bitchslapping. Nuff said?

I was just curious because you've never talked about it.

I did talk about it.

Don't you read every word written about me? I have talked about it. I'm not being paid to do your research!

What about the Kelly Ripa thing?

I'm not going to discuss it.

Her anorexia was flaring up that day. If I spoke badly about her, it would be as bad as criticizing Britney the day she shaved her head. That poor woman's had enough unpleasantness.

Did you think it was homophobic?

I'm not going to discuss it.

What do you think, Sweetie?

What do you want to talk about?

I think we're done.

Uh, me, my incredible talent, my sexy looks, all the women who want me.

Can we talk about something fun?.

No, we're done. I thought NEWSWEEK would be more reputable. I'm surprised.

Okay, how about furry wrangling?

But I think people are curious about it.

It was a year ago. This is NEWSWEEK. It's not the National Enquirer. I'd hate to have a job where I had to be rude to people.

I bet people are just as curious about Ryan Seacrest too, but you'd give him a softball interview. Who cares what I do? I don't have looks or talent, and no one will remember who I am in two years. (Tearing up like Hillary in New Hampshire and hoping it has half as good as an effect.)Leave me alone!

We're just having a conversation.

Change the subject! I'd never take a job where I had to do something that I didn't want to do.

No, we're not; we're having an interview. What in the world makes you think I'm actually ~talking~ to you. If you keep this up, this "conversation" will get me more publicity than any answers to real questions would, you nimrod.

Are you going to watch "Idol"?

I haven't watched since season four. I compare it to high-school football--if it weren't for high school, we wouldn't be successful, but I don't need to keep going to the football games.

Why would I possibly want to watch a show that took me, a no talent, no looks nonentity from obscurity to fame? That's ludicrous!


LCM said...

OMG, darling - that's fabulous! There's no such thing as bad press, and you and I discovered that time behind the boathouse...(gazes off - remembers everything in a dreamy gauze-like light...)

...four hours later...

...and then remember how we laughed as we realized we were *both* wearing Rosalyn Carter's control-top pantyhose and nothing else! (tossing head back and laughing) Ah-hahahahaha! (smiling) So did we ever find out why we were never invited back to host the Caldicott Awards again, sweetie? Hmmm?

Sipping Cocktail, Awash In Misty Water Coloured Bad Press Memories

Craig said...

Dear Clay,

You may be following in the hallowed tradition of Liberace and Barry Manilow by playing Inoffensive Neutered Homosexual Singer to the blue-hairs, but if you don't stop with the shocking lapses in discretion and the temper tantrums, your career will be as brief as your endowment.

Wise up, sweetie, and hire E.(mily) as your press agent. And I know a fierce lawyer who could do wonders for you, too.

Your increasingly bored audience

SportsBastardBoy said...

Do careers jump the shark the way TV series do? I think Clay's jumped the shark.

Uncle Robbie said...

You have to have a career before it can jump anything, SBB.